I’m feeling loaded down, people. I need help and don’t even know where or how to start. I don’t mean that I don’t know where to find help, I actually have a plethora of resources at my disposal.
I separated from the military in 2014 and moved home to Louisville, KY. I wasn’t sure about my decision to get out and to be honest I still question the decision from time to time. Although, when I do question myself I quickly remind myself why I got out, and based on the state of things going on in this country right now, I leave the thoughts feeling fortified in my decision.
Since I’ve returned home, going on three and a half years now, I’ve had four different jobs, all of which were “ok” jobs, but overall they just weren’t a good fit. There was no advancement opportunities, not really a big chance of getting decent raises or making good money.
So, after going nine years without missing a day of work, I haven’t worked a single day going on three months. Now on the one hand I have had the opportunity to spend those days with my 15 month old son, which I didn’t get to do with my other kids while they were at this age. I feel very blessed to have finally gotten to do that. On the other hand, though, I’ve been extremely restless, just itching to find that thing that fits, to feel like I’m heading in a direction that will allow me to live up to my potential. A direction that’s not only good for me, but good for my family as well.
Still I feel weighed down. I feel this heavy weight that is burdening me and I can’t seem to name it. I feel fine, I feel healthy, but most importantly I feel happy the majority of the time. I can feel the weight though. It’s not so heavy that I can’t shoulder it, I think, but then again, maybe that’s where I’m going wrong.
Anyway…I have a chance to get a part time job at Amazon, which is exactly what I’m looking for because I start college next month. I’m going to school to hopefully get my AS and get certified as an Aviation Maintenance Technician. It’s a great opportunity and I’ve been wanting to go back to school for a while now, but I couldn’t decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. And that notion, not knowing what I wanted do, is a repetitive theme in my life. When I joined the military I went in without a rating, or MOS as some vets know it, and spent two and a half years going basically no where before I decided I wanted to be an air traffic controller.
So, while deployed, I did all the leg work and put a package together that got me the chance to go to “A” School (Apprentice School) and become an Air Traffic Controller. The school was 16 weeks long and certified by the FAA. Needless to say, it was fast paced and challenging. I excelled. I finished 3rd in my class and was designated the class leader throughout school, which is typical of “fleet returnees” (a sailor who went to the fleet first, then went to “A” School, which is not the typical order).
After graduating, while meditating on my accomplishment, I realized that if I’d have attended this school immediately following boot camp I would have flunked out. I also learned that I had leadership capabilities. So, not knowing what I wanted to do with myself turned out to be to my benefit.
However I can’t see many benefits in the time I feel I’ve wasted since separating. Maybe I’m still to far in front of it to see them.
I’m so unbelievably excited to be going back to school I feel like I’m in elementary school again. I feel so extremely motivated that I know I’m going to excel. Feeling positive about any situation is the way to go into said situation.
But…still…I feel this weight and I can’t name it. I don’t feel stressed, I don’t think I’m depressed, hell I don’t even feel overwhelmed (although according to my family, I have every reason to be).
I think maybe I feel like I’m running out of time, maybe like me going to school is a little late, like maybe I’m a day late and a dollar short, and let’s face it, I’ve been avoiding some of my responsibilities while unemployed. Maybe I just feel like a POS for my avoidance. I do know for sure that I’m not a fan of “shrugging” my responsibilities. Thinking on that though, thinking about my excitement and sense of motivation and even though I can’t see where this ends I still have that overwhelming feeling that it’ll be somewhere great.
Thinking some more, maybe I feel like I don’t have the support to help me through any tough times, but I know that’s bullshit. Being a veteran alone means you have a fantastic support system, not to mention I have a great girl, and excellent parents and siblings that are always encouraging and never fake, and a handful of friends that I know, even if I fell, they would see me through.
And still…this weight. I have to do something, it has to be figured out, because even though I feel good about life and the direction I’m headed I know it would be just that much more enjoyable if I felt a little lighter on my feet.